Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Ha! There are monsters in Canada

I knew it!
My Canadian "friend" Bradford who earlier this year claimed that there was no monster-business going on in Canada was wrong!

I just got a very trustworthy report from the Comox Valley area where apparently some very large Northern Boulder Beasts have been smelled and sighted.

They had taken up residence in a small valley not far from a village and the stench of sulfur emanating from the beasts was what finally drew the attention of a young man (Evan, 10) who was able to observe and report the facts to me.
According to him they were "really huge" and "really, really stinky".

As I mention in the Field Guide, the boulder beasts are notoriously dumb and when the intrepid young monstrologist got discovered he was able to confuse them by singing "I'm a little tea-pot short and stout", and doing the movements.
The beasts simply thought he was a tea-pot, and left him alone.

Evan commented that he thought they were "really, really, really not smart".

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

A Failure on the Beach

The Beach Krill sightings in Puerto Rico turned out to be false.
There were however some very large crabs that attacked this intrepid monstrologist as he was in hiding under a very elaborate cover of camouflage netting and sand.
I had settled in for a long stake-out when around midnight I started feeling little pinches around my ankles. I never want to use my flashlight too much so I waited a bit before turning it on, but then I got pinched really hard! As i directed my flashlight toward my throbbing ankle I got pinched just above the belt towards my back and I realized that my hiding spot had been completely overrun by aggressive crabs.

I think that there might have been something in my latest concoction of potpourri that attracted crabs. Maybe the Karl Lagerfeld Cologne is not repelling enough?

In the end I saw no evidence of Beach Krill activity. I am sad to say that a large hollow that was pointed out to my as probably created by a Krill was more likely the result of sand-castle constructions.

I left the island with many crab-pinch marks, mosquito-bites, a bad sunburn and no further information on the Beach Krill.

But, that is the life of a monstrologis. Not every shadow is a beast, but you should always check.

The Beach Krill

(Euphausia litoris)

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Beach Krill Sighting

I have just returned from Puerto Rico after I was called there based on reports of Beach Krill activity.

I will discuss my adventures more in depths soon but my flight was very delayed and I am tired... and painfully tanned after many hours of beach stake-outs.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

A Wonderful Review

I was certain of receiving many good reviews of my Field Guide, after all it is a unique piece of work...but, I have also grown accustomed to being questioned and even ridiculed, therefore it is exceptionally heartwarming when you recieve a review such as this one:
Do you like being frightened?

Tuesday, October 30, 2007


Because of a confusion of dates and altered times for my upcoming lecture at Barnes & Noble on 7th Ave. in Park Slope I have been giving the wrong time:

It will take place on the 2nd of November at 10.00 am.

And a reminder:
My radio appearance on WFUV (90.7 in NYC-area) is being rebroadcasted tomorrow around 7.45am.
At some point after that it will be in their online archive and thus available worldwide.

Monday, October 29, 2007

A Busy Sunday

It was a beautiful Sunday here yesterday and I enjoyed meeting a vibrant crowd of budding monstrologists at the event i participated in at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden.
I was slightly perturbed at the organizers who had somehow gotten my title wrong... Yes I do write and illustrate, but that is only to convey my research to the world. My actual title is Senior Monstrologist. It is just typical of the academic world to slight me like that.
But I sold out my Field Guide !
And it was clear that the people who came to meet me, they at least understand what monstrology is about and what it takes to do the research.
I especially have high hopes for Julian and Sophie, keep up the studies and one day you will find and catalogue your own monsters!

On another note, Benny is now calling me all the time, the Couch Cruncher ate his remote and he is getting desperate. I might call him back eventually.

And a reminder: I will be holding my lecture at the Park Slope Barnes & Noble 10am on Nov. 1st.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Benny is Back!

Remember Benny, my "friend" from Queens (see previous posts). Remember how he turned on me and decided not to trust my science? or his own eyes...

Well, he called the other day and the Couch Cruncher is back in his undoubtedly filthy couch and he needs help. We'll see what happens, I still feel a bit hurt, but he does have all those episodes of Mythbusters on his DVR and I do really enjoy a Mythbusters-marathon.

This is a flattering drawing of Benny

Upcoming Events

Finally some academic recognition!

The NPR affiliated radio station WFUV (90.7FM in NY-region) that is run by the Fordham University will be discussing Monstrology with me on the 23rd of October. The details are not set in stone and I am not sure about when it will air. I will keep you posted here.

Also, the biological research facility Brooklyn Botanical Garden will be hosting an event on the afternoon of the 28th of October that I will participate in. There will be a brief lecture by me but I'm afraid many other distractions going on at the same time. (Fun for some, I'm sure)

Lastly, my lecture at my local Barnes & Noble has been moved. I will now do it at 10AM on the 1st of November.
Please make appropriate changes to your calendars.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

A Lively Debate

I'm sorry for the big gap in my postings but there was much to do about getting ready for my lecture and then there were two aspiring monstrologists visiting from Sweden that I had to spend hours with. They were complete novices but showed some limited potential. Hopefully I will hear more from them as they start practicing their monstrological skills in northern Europe.

The Lecture itself went very well. The audience appeared eager for knowledge and the debate got quite lively as I accepted questions from the public. In the end there was a rather heated discussion about the potential size of Tadpole Monsters.

A young girl claimed that they could be much wider than I believe is possible.

I doubted the veracity of her report since she also said it was "much smarter than you!" meaning me...How would she know anything about that? Kids...

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Saturday, September 8, 2007

It Haunts Me

The Gutrotter gives me nightmares.

The evasiveness of its appearance, the fact that it appeared to be in many places at once was very frightening..and the stench!

Here's a new sketch...I'm still trying to get its face right.

I will be holding another lecture!

September 28, 3.30pm at Storefront for Art and Architecture , 97 Kenmare Street, downtown Manhattan.

Sunday, September 2, 2007


The public appears eager to hear more about the science of monstrology.

I have been asked to hold a lecture at my local Barnes & Noble Bookstore on November the 2:nd, 3.30 pm.

I think I will make it a brief presentation on methodology followed by some examples of my research and a Q&A-session, but I am still considering the exact format of my lecture.

Perhaps I will have breaking news on some of my more recent investigations, you never know in this business...
Of course I will be signing copies of the Field Guide.

Friday, August 24, 2007

The Gutrotter

As I mentioned it is very hard to make a drawing of this monster. I believe the rendering below is as close as I can get. One of the more peculiar things about this beast was that it appeared to be "shifting" in time and space continuously. It looked like it was doing many things and occupying different stages in time at the same time. And as Dr Hasbien noted it was almost translucent. We did at one point come so close to it that I got a good slap from one of its paws, and let me tell you it hurt. It was more than just a normal pain too, it had an electrical feel.

Our client, an 8-year old girl, also got slapped several times and had some bad scratches from its claws. The scratches seemed to "infect" her with a desire for sugar, similar to that of the monster itself. You see, infallibly it was attracted by bowls of sugar and candy that we used for bait for our observations. After the worst incident our client was attracted to the bait with a frightening fervor.
She is much better now and only eats sweets on Saturdays, but very fast.
(I believe I might have been "infected" too. I used to take one spoonful of sugar in my coffee, now I crave at least 6.)
After two weeks of almost nightly visitations the monster stopped coming.
We don't know what made it appear or disappear.

If you know anything about a monster like the Gutrotter please let me know, any information can be valuable.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

A Stench to Remember

The time we spent in Denmark was frightening. I still have not made a a clear definition of the monster we encountered.
Dr Hasbien want to call it the Sugarsucker because of it's hunger for sweets. I think that name trivializes the horror of this beast.
After weeks in hiding in the garden of the family affected we we're able to observe this monster only briefly. I claim that it must be a monster with intradimensional abilities. I.e. it can "skip" between dimensions, but Dr Hasbien believes it is just semi-translucent and therefore easily camouflaged.
Drawing this beast is nearly impossible and I will post a composite of my field drawings as I get it ready.

As I said in the previous post the most significant sign of this beast was an incredible stench. The most vile odour you can imagine preceded every sighting and I wish there was a way to transmit this smell because in this case it would be a much better identifier than a drawing.
Imagine rotting garbage, combine it with ammonia, and cologne-covered-B.O. and poop.
That is the best I can describe the smell.
It was truly revolting.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Something was indeed rotten in the state of Denmark!

Phuuui... I can't get the smell out of my nose. I encountered one of the stinkiest beasts I have ever been near.
This hunt took more out of both me and Dr Hasbien than we ever could have expected. Our young client, a 8 year old Danish girl is still sick.
This was indeed a dangerous mission.
My field notes and drawings are still a jumble and I suffer from lack of sleep and several small bites and scrapes. I will try to make a more coherent post at a later time.
Now I most sleep.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Danger in Denmark

I have received an urgent call for help from my dear friend and colleague Dr Hasbien of the Stuttgart Monstrology Center, he is engaged in an operation in Denmark.

That, and that he has requested my help is all I know.

I leave tomorrow and will update here when I get a chance.

Friday, July 20, 2007


Monstrology, as well as UFO-logy and other challenging "fringe" fields of research suffer from a general lack of photographic evidence that leave little or no opening for "mainstream" interpretations.
But dear fellow monstrologists.

Here we have it!

A photo of the common, but elusive, Domestic Dust-Devil.
Yes, it's a bit shaky and out of focus but it's clearly a Devil. You can even make out its menacing grin.

I will not reveal my source for this photo yet since I am hoping to cull more treasures from the same archive.

(For more information on The Domestic Dust-Devil, consult the Field Guide)

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Monster-art on display

Well, there is a lull in the monstrology world right now.
There have been no serious reports whatsoever for a couple of weeks.
Bradford came back from Canada and didn't mention anything about any monsters. He's most likely being extra careful to be quiet about the possible Canadian Boulder Beast investigation, to not agitate me further.

The only interesting thing going on right now is an art show at Corridor Gallery where a few of my drawings as well as some found artifacts from my book is on display.

Unfortunately the show is billed as a collection of works from children's book illustrators.
I feel that my work stand out from the rest of the work since it is the result of serious research.
But, it is in all an enjoyable show.

This antique illustration is one of the drawings on display:

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Is Bradford telling the truth?

My Canadian contact, Bradford, is going away. Supposedly to Seattle but I'm suspecting that he might actually be headed for Vancouver. That's where the buzz about Northern Boulder Beasts generated from (see post titled "Oh Canada"). Of course I have already fully documented that monster, see below, so it's a bit of old news to me. I guess I don't really need to feel threatened by some Canadian amateurs...After all I am a renowned monstrologist and I have published what is considered the first serious field guide on the subject.

Regarding the mysterious Couch Cruncher note, there has been no further developments.

The Northern Boulder Beast.

(For more detailed information please consult the Field Guide)

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Who put this in my mailbox?

I found this drawing in a unmarked envelope, no stamp no address, in my mailbox. Apparently I am not alone in seeing the Couch Crunchers!
Whoever you are please make contact again, I need more information, you do not have to tell me your name just tell me about your encounter.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

Benny is a bum

Well, my fascinating and exciting encounter with the Couch Cruncher is still vividly in my mind, but Benny...Now he is being all questioning about the whole affair. Granted he was asleep during initial contact but I thought he got a good look at the baby we found in the nest. He now claims that it "could have been anything". Like what? Another type of monster? A triangular rat? what about the nest!
He is like so many other adults just not open-minded enough to accept that monsters are all among us.

I'm continuing to ask around and look for other images or tales of Couch Crunchers, If anybody knows of anything please send me an e-mail. olander.j@gmail.com

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

The Couch Cruncher

Saturday evening started very pleasantly. Benny and I watched the whole season 1 of Mythbusters, the excellent Discovery channel show, Benny had recorded all the episodes on his DVR. We had a good time eating hot dogs that we cooked on his coffee table with an ingenious contraption made from two forks, tape, a piece of wood and some electrical wires. You simply put a hot dog between the forks and plugged it in...They cooked in seconds and were delicious.

No monster activity was noticed during the early hours of the evening but we planted some solid pieces of hot dog between the pillows as lure. We tied strings to the hot dog pieces that were connected to a bell and put ourselves under a crude tent we fashioned out of an old sheet and some chairs. There was room to lie down and we made ourselves comfortable with some pillows. Benny was snoring loudly in a few minutes but I put on my night vision goggles and kept watch on the couch. However my batteries ran out after a while and when I woke up the next morning the hot dogs and the bell was gone!

I took that as solid proof of monster activity and we discussed opening up Benny´s couch to see if anything was nesting inside but we decided against it because if nothing was there, we´d certainly let whatever was in the house know that we were on to it, and thus probably scare it off and never see it.

On Sunday night we watched season 2, also excellent, and at the end of the evening we put more hot dog pieces in the couch but this time we just put them on top of the seat cushions, very visible. We hid in out "tent" again and Benny was asleep almost immediately but I was able to stay awake much longer this night, I had fresh batteries in my goggles and i had tied the strings from the hot dog pieces to my toes so this time I would definitely notice any activity.

Around 3 am I felt a vigorous tug in my middle toe! I focused in on the couch and saw a fascinating creature slowly emerge from between the cushions. The monster was about a foot wide and approx. 2 feet long and was triangular in shape. it had long skinny arms and four very short stocky legs.

It was very cautious and stopped and almost retreated slightly every time Benny snored, but it got to all the hot dog pieces we had put out, the last string, by the way, really hurt as it was pulled of my big toe, I watched it through my goggles for a good 2-3 minutes before it disappeared into the couch again. I heard some loud crunching afterwards and then all was quiet.

It was a Couch Cruncher, no doubt about that, I was able to draw a pretty detailed field study of it.

The ext morning we decided to open up the couch. We put on sturdy work-gloves and started ripping the couch apart. But before we even got in to the interior there was some rustling behind the sofa and we were barely able to discern the little triangular beast scurry away...It was so amazingly quick on it´s stocky little legs, it was basically just a blur.
Since we had already ripped the lining of the couch we decided, although Benny was complaining the whole time, to open it up and have a thorough look inside.

We found a baby cruncher!

There was an area in the couch that was clearly the nest, papers and strips of fabric had been tucked together in a way similar to a birds nest and an the middle of the nest was a very small cruncher!

We were only able to watch it for a few seconds before it jumped! with those short legs who would have thought...but it jumped very long and high and then scurried away in the same direction the grown cruncher had gone. We tried to find tracks or any signs of where they might have gone but there were none.

I assumed they found a way out of Benny´s place and another couch somewhere.

I believe I am the first monstrologist to document the Couch Cruncher but I will study it further to see if there are any historical references to the species.

I will keep you updated.

My field notes:

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Oh Canada

I think there might be more going on in Canada than we hear about here. I just talked to one of my Canadian friends, Bradford, and at first he completely declined to comment on any Northern Boulder Beast sightings...But, then he sort of half jokingly said something about as a Canadian he was sworn to secrecy. He tried laughing it off... but it certainly made me suspicious that there might be a conspiracy to withhold monster-information from Canada, maybe because there is a growing community of amateur-monstrologist that want to keep the "good stuff" for themselves or perhaps it's a government conspiracy, like with the UFOs in the US.

Well, right now I'm off to Benny's house for the Couch Cruncher stakeout.
Wish me luck

Friday, May 25, 2007

The Hunt Is On

Nothing happened during the week. Some scattered buzz in the air about something going on in Canada, could be Northern Boulder Beast activity, but it didn't seem very serious. A backpack gone missing near a rock formation...Could be anything or nothing.

But this weekend the hunt is on for what could be Couch Cruncher's at Benny's house.
I'm not sure about when I will get a chance to update this page but I'll report whatever we find as soon as I can.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Anoyher day another dud

Well, no reports came in today either.
I guess I shouldn't expect the frequency I experienced in my early days but still... Maybe it's because I write about it, lite the old saying about watching a pot of water boiling...I should just wait patiently like I used to

Saturday, May 19, 2007

No news is boring

There was no new reports of monsters at all today.

I continue to do some research on what I think I is a Couch Cruncher. So far I have not actually seen this creature but I will report it here as soon as I do.
I will have a stake-out at my friend Benny's house in Queens late next week.
He fell asleep in his couch last weekend and had mysterious scratches around his rather plump waistline. He also says he loses lots of stuff between the pillows.
I know that he eats all his meals in his couch and there is a good chance that he drops enough stuff to feed a whole family of Couch Crunchers. He's really quite a slob.